streams of conciousness in fingertaps.

jiminy crickets.

i got over things. i came to a point where i understood that its better that we aren’t putting so much of ourselves into making something work that simply shouldnt have been rolling down the route it was. not to say that i dont appreciate how much we had been through, but the bottom line is that. we started off rocky, and persisted. we kept growing this into something that needed to be and shouldve been.. something else. to hate is to expend way too much energy on nothing. hate doesnt get anyone anywhere, except more frustrated. i dont hate you. i never have. i dont have a right to tell you how to and to not feel, but i lost the drive to hate people a long time ago. it made me feel ugly inside i guess. and i care about you. and i think id have a fucking panic attack if i heard anything happened to you. if you dont feel the same, im fine with that. im sure theres been a lot going on in both our lives that would feel like heaven venting about and getting out of our systems. and i DO miss doing that together. and, yano, everything else. i only have good will and wishes for you. take care of yourself.

voice.

there’s tugging on my heart strings.

i think it’s time for me to start singing. like, legit, with a group that’s accessible and focused. i’m going to audition for a few bands in the next few weeks and i don’t know how easily i’ll be able to relax my vocal chords and belt it out, but i’ll try. a 40 @ each audition’ll make it work, for sure. and i’ll attempt this. over and over. til’ i find the right group with the right vibe and the right sound. but, i’m so fucking game. it’ll be therapy. fuck health insurance.

maybe lessons first? or maybe i should just roll with it and accept my vocal uniqueness/flaws/whathaveyou.

i’ll figure it out.

feels like this.

while we’re on the subject
could we change the subject now?
i was knocking on your ears
don’t worry, you were always out
looking towards the future
we were begging for the past
well, we know we had the good things
but those never seemed to last
oh, please just last

everyone’s unhappy
everyone’s ashamed
well we all just got caught looking
at somebody else’s page
well, nothing ever went
quite exactly as we planned
our ideas held no water
but we used them like a dam

oh, and we carried it all so well
as if we got a new position
oh, and I laugh all the way to hell
saying, “Yes, this is a fine promotion”
oh, and I laugh all the way to hell

of course everyone goes crazy
over such and such and such
we made ourselves a pillar
but we just used it as a crutch
we were certainly uncertain
at least I’m pretty sure I am
well, we didn’t need the water
but we just built that good goddamn

oh, and I know this of myself
i’d assume as much for other people
oh, and I know this of myself
we’ve listened more to life’s end gong
than the sound of life’s sweet bells

was it ever worth it?
was there all that much to gain?
well, we knew we’d missed the boat
and we’d already missed the plane
we didn’t read the invite
we just danced at our own wake
all our favorites were playing
so we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake

tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands
a tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks
sitting, drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them
when we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat

oh, and we carried it all so well as if we got a new position
oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves
but not the skills to make a shelf with
oh, what useless tools ourselves

i guess indirect communication and the ability to understand where i fucked up (and admit it).. are some things i’ve found that i love about myself. i’m starting to see things. i’m starting to understand myself a lot more. either way, if only there were more people in the world that could put their pride aside, the world in both a micro&macro view would be much, much better of a place. so for now, i’ll keep doing what i’m doing. im not holding any ill-will or negativity to others (even dissapointment.. because no matter how you look at it, there’s no use in holding icky feelings against people unless you’re looking to frustrate and exhaust yourself). people are who they are, and they’ll only change if they want to. and this isn’t me judging people in general, because.. i’m people. i’m not a giraffe or a sloth or a duck, no matter how hard i wish i were any of the above. i can be nasty. i can be pleasant. bottom line is that i’ve found that after all this time and all this spent emotion over the past 23yrs, i did indeed fuck up here and there. but then we come to a point where it’s take-it-or-leave-it.. good times & bad and that’s the time when you figure out whether or not it’s all really worth sticking around for.

so that’s that.

i’ve dropped it; i’m washing my hands of this, and a good, clean start-over is in order.

bored at work.

iamnodoctor:

ornithes:diorlol:

A is for age: 23.
B is for booze of choice: the kind that works.
C is for career: daydreaming about when i can start the real one.
D is for your last dentist appointment: god. a long time ago. gross.
E is for essential items you use everyday: eyeliner.
F is for favorite song at the moment: froufrou sounds.
G is for favorite games: vulgar mad libs. 
H is for hometown: san diego, ca.
I is for instruments you play: no.
J is for Jam flavor on your PBJ: strawberry.
K is for kids you last saw: probably my coworker’s kid crysta.
L is for last kiss: this morning at a stop light. i want another.
M is for fondest memory: sitting on a historic suspension bridge with my now fiancee talking about how it all came together.
N is for name of your crush: tamralea.
O is for overnight hospital stays: when i was 9.
P is for phobias: the end of the world in 2012.
Q is for favorite Quote: ”when it is dark enough, you can see the stars”- r.w. emerson.
R is for biggest regrets: not saying goodbye the right way.  
S is for status: sitting in front of my computer at work, pretending to work. ha, suckassss..
T is for time you wake up: 4:55am.
U is for underwear type: boycut, unless i’m feeling frisky.
V is for vegetable you love: mushrooms, and no, i don’t care if you don’t think their real vegetables.
W is for worst habit: wishing i was kate moss.
X is for x-rays you’ve had: ugh. lots. i am now radioactive.
Y is for yummy food you make: anything and everything vegan.
Z is for last Zoo visited: i don’t like them; they make me feel like i shoud set them all free, poor things.

dress me like a clown- margot & the nuclear so&so's

i am alive, i am alive,
that is the best that i can do.
you go near your light, 
i swore you were mine.
i’d take you back a thousand times.

talk of the town you’ve been around,
if he is the man you want then go.
but tonight we’ll leave all our lovers behind
and try to live a quiet life.
my love is dressin’ me like a clown

you are an ass a snake in the grass
vanity seeps from out your pores,
and baby its time to pay for my crimes.
nothing i say can make you mine,
be that singing in key or running to me.
i can think it as good as you.

but tonight we’ll leave
all our stupid songs
we’ll try and reach the hills by dawn
my love is dressin’ me like a clown.

tonight we’ll leave all our lovers behind
and try to live a quiet life,
margot dress me like a clown.

tonight we’ll drink to an early grave,
we’ll laugh but we will not be saved,
someone has dressed us all like clowns.

darling its sin, where do i begin
puttin’ your contact lenses in.
you see the lights
scurry like mice
reflect in the streets
and you pour words
out on the roof
way to grow up turn me around then
fuck me up

baby u are an ass a snake in the grass
vanity oozes from out your pores

on a freezing chicago street- margot & the nuclear so & so's

on a freezing chicago street we shook
your hands were trembling from all those pills you took
and we got drunk on cheap red wine in a paper cup

and i was barely awake when you got home
and climbed yourself into bed wearing cheap perfume
and sarah screamed your every breath is a gift
if you weren’t so selfish then you might want to live

(pause for a beautiful few seconds that make you wanna cry & smile at the same time)

so if your lover should leave don’t get too sad
and don’t compose epic poems to win her back
‘cause when your bird has flown, she’ll never return home
though all your life you’ll wait she never will return

13. troize.

somebody save me from me.

nuts. i’m going.

LOVELOVELOVEELOVEEVOLEVOLVE

thank you sosexyoutofcontext.. <3

scout:

maxistentialist:

I tried to find part of this article to excerpt, but it’s completely fascinating from beginning to end. Enjoy.

Kyoto, JP -3 March 2009- Staff. Researchers at Toshiba’s Akimu Robotic Research Institute were thrilled ten months ago when they successfully programmed Kenji, a third generation humanoid robot, to convincingly emulate certain human emotions. At the time, they even claimed that Kenji was capable of the robot equivalent of love. Now, however, they fear that his programming has taken an extreme turn for the worst.

“Initially, we were thrilled to see a bit of our soul come alive in this so called ‘machine,’” said Dr. Akito Takahashi, the principal investigator on the project. “This was really the final step for us in one of the fundamentals of the singularity.”

Kenji was part of an experiment involving several robots loaded with custom software designed to let them react emotionally to external stimuli. After some limited environmental conditioning, Kenji first demonstrated love by bonding with a a stuffed doll in his enclosure, which he would embrace for hours at a time. He would then make simple, but insistent, inquiries about the doll if it were out of sight. Researchers attributed this behavior to his programmed qualities of devotion and empathy and called the experiment a success.

What they didn’t count on were the effects of several months of self-iteration within the complex machine-learning code which gave Kenji his initial tenderness. As of last week, Kenji’s love for the doll, and indeed anybody he sets his ‘eyes’ on, is so intense that Dr. Takahashi and his team now fear to show him to outsiders.

The trouble all started when a young female intern began to spend several hours each day with Kenji, testing his systems and loading new software routines. When it came time to leave one evening, however, Kenji refused to let her out of his lab enclosure and used his bulky mechanical body to block her exit and hug her repeatedly. The intern was only able to escape after she had frantically phoned two senior staff members to come and temporarily de-activate Kenji.

“Despite our initial enthusiasm, it has become clear that Kenji’s impulses and behavior are not entirely rational or genuine,” conceded Dr. Takahashi.

Ever since that incident, each time Kenji is re-activated, he instantaneously bonds with the first technician to meet his gaze and rushes to embrace them with his two 100kg hydraulic arms. It doesn’t help that Kenji uses only pre-recorded dog and cat noises to communicate and is able to vocalize his love through a 20 watt speaker in his chest.

Dr. Takahashi admits that they will more than likely have to decommission Kenji permanently, but he’s optimistic about one day succeeding where Kenji failed.

“This is only a minor setback. I have full faith that we will one day live side by side with, and eventually love and be loved by, robots,” he said.

twelve. mindfuckkkkk.

busy giving myself one.

lets hope the psych eval next week does something.. ive been feeling all..

loose-cannon-y.

i wrote lyrics semi-synonimous to this.. but its just save me from myself this time.

the truth will inevitably rear its nasty head, and.. i’ll have to compromise with it. i’ll try and convince it of things and say itll all be okay with a little time & work, but it knows itself, so it’ll be able to tell, and it’ll say to me through its perfect mouth that i’m not being very honest. and, indeed, itll be being honest when it says so. see? i’ve gone nutty. what an ugly little fucker that truth is.

see? i do see. and see? so do you. right through me. you know what? i’m fucked up, and so are you.. you just dont know how erratic and dissheveled my head is yet.

i am a mess.

maybe you’re right, maybe i am bi-polar.. we’ll see what the “professionals” say.